Something Is Not Adding Up: Living With CIAS

I am an academic doing research in mathematics, still without a permanent position
I am living with schizophrenia, which has completely changed my life in a negative way
At first, I noticed that I felt less intelligent than before, but I didn’t realize that it was a mental illness. Maybe not realizing was also a consequence of the illness
When I noticed these symptoms, I felt ashamed and talked to nobody about it. One year later, I told someone that “all the people on the bus are looking at me”. He recommended I see a psychiatrist
I followed his advice although I didn’t understand why. This was one of the best decisions of my life. From the questions of the doctor at hospital I see in retrospect that they quickly realized that it was schizophrenia
I noticed the problems with my cognition immediately when they started. It was after moving out from my parents’ home, and I noticed that I was worse at understanding mathematics and solving problems
In discussions with other mathematicians, I often fear that my worse memory and learning ability will be apparent. I’m also quite sure that I have had problems with other people because I didn’t understand what they really meant or felt
Compared with other people, I’m quite open about my condition. I’ve mostly had good experiences with people not making assumptions about living with schizophrenia, but I’ve also experienced people breaking contact with me
One thing I would want people to understand about cognitive impairment associated with schizophrenia is that it can be extremely severe
At the hospital I was given a short cognitive test to do, things like picture completion and the ‘Tower of London’ task. I didn’t understand why at the time, it was only after I saw improvements in my cognitive symptoms and we talked about it that I realized
I have to read texts several times to memorize them better. It is good to be aware of everything which affects your cognition and to realize that it is not your fault